Why I do what I do

I have asked myself this question a lot lately. I've spent a lot of time thinking and praying about my life and where God is leading me.  When I look back over the last 8 years, I see a common theme and it didn't hit me until recently at church.

Our pastor is going through a series called "Redline." If you have ever had God speak directly to your heart, then you know what an awesome, yet convicting feeling it is. I'm so fortunate to have been able to go through this series because I feel that God is clearly telling me what I need to do.

Before I get to my point, I want to back-track and tell a little about myself. 

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You can ask just about anyone that knew me growing up and they would tell you that I never, ever said, "I can't wait to be a mom!" I was never that girl. I knew that I wanted children, someday. I also knew a lot of girls that dreamed of staying at home with their future babies. I was just never in that category and I was ok with that.

I wanted to go to college, graduate, start working toward a fabulous career and get married. Then have babies a few years down the line.

Right after high school, I chose not to go to a University. Truthfully, there were some family things going on that I felt I needed to stay home for.  I enrolled at my local community college while I tried to figure out what I wanted to do.

At 20, I decided to move to where I live now. I worked really hard to get into the  Dental Hygiene program.  During that time, I met my future husband, but I never let that get in the way of my goal. I still worked hard and tried not to let him distract me too much :)

I completed all the required courses and took the big test, but didn't get in. Instead of going back to school and taking tons of courses that couldn't be applied to anything, I started working and planning our wedding.  (We were engaged by this time.) We moved back to my hometown.

My goal was to keep trying, and I did. But it was time to get married.

 I kept plugging and taking the test over and over again, but I was only allowed to take it a certain amount of times. I aced all of the categories except math. It got me every.single.time.

9 months after we were married, I found out I was pregnant with Harper!

By this time, I was thinking that maybe God was telling me this was not the career I was meant to have.     I kept working and then this happened :)

When Harper was 9 months old, we made the decision that I would leave my job at the bank and my hometown. We moved BACK to where Jimmy and I met. It was a much better place to raise a family. With this move, we decided that I would start staying home. I of course prayed and thought a lot about all of it.

I decided that I would try to get into the Sonography program at the same school. I was very nervous about all of it, but knew that it would all work out somehow.

I started staying home and hired a nanny to babysit Harper once a week while I went to my class. Physics was a part of the requirement for the Sonography program. At the end of the semester, I got a B (shocked even myself) and took the big test.

I didn't get in.

Same story. Aced everything except math. At this point, I was definitely upset and frustrated and honestly just felt downright stupid. I asked God, yet again, what He wanted me to do with my life. There were no clear answers.

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We moved into a new rental home in a nearby town in preparation for adding to our family. We needed more room if we wanted another baby.

And in February 2011, this happened :)

By this time, I had taken every single course to try for both the DH program and Sonography. Both programs were a once-a-year chance to get in and it just wasn't happening yet. I had no choice but to step away.  I focused on Harper and my pregnancy. In October 2011, we welcomed our baby girl.

The next few months were filled with the typical adjustments of a newborn and 2 1/2 year old and I loved it all.  When Hollin was 9 months old, I was given a job opportunity that was too good to pass up. It was at a local bank less than 2 miles from home, with somewhat flexible hours, an awesome boss and yes, a paycheck! I was determined that when I went back to work, it was to stay. I thought that God was leading me where he wanted me to be. I thought maybe he was telling me that DH or Sonography was just not the way to go for me.

I had been working at the bank for less than two months when we received the news that our bank was merging with another. After 10 months at my new job, I was laid off.

I was pulled away and brought back home, again.

I was excited to be back home, but so confused. Why did this keep happening. Why couldn't I "find my path" ?? I am smart, determined, ambitious.

Right?

A few weeks after being home, I went for another job interview. Only Jimmy and my parents knew I was going.  I just didn't want to leave any stone unturned. I prayed on the way to the interview, "Lord, let your will be done. If this is meant to be, let it be. If not, show me."

I didn't get the job.

The answer should have been clear then. I was starting to feel that God was telling me no to working, but I'm stubborn and I needed more evidence.

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4 weeks ago I started this series at church. 

"As a culture, we constantly chase perfection and it is driving us insane. Everything urges us to pick up the pace. So, we push the gas pedal hoping that once we achieve what we are chasing, we can finally slow down, enjoy and be satisfied. But, satisfaction and perfection never comes. Maximization isn’t the key to contentment. Instead we need something to govern us. The time has come to pay attention to our gauges. We invite you to join us for the Red Line series, as we help you understand your limits and define your priorities and view of success."

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To be perfectly honest, I didn't really think I needed or would like this series. The only part I paid attention to was "gauges." I thought, "I already know my limits, I know how to say no, etc, etc. I don't need this."

I couldn't have been more wrong. After 4 weeks of listening and praying.....

it's clear.

My purpose, right now, is to be a mother to my children. To guide their hearts to God and be a Christian influence and encourager to them and to my husband.

I have struggled with this because I think, "Is it really that simple?"

Yes, it is!!  How much more obvious can He make it for me?

It's not about that fabulous career that I wanted and chased for so long. Maybe that's meant for later, I just don't know. Maybe it will never happen. I keep reading the purpose of the series over and over, especially this part

......." define your priorities and view of success."

My priorities are my children and my view of success should never be focused on what kind of career I have, how much money I make, or even if I think my talents sometimes are meant for more than just being "mom."

It has taken me so long to see that THIS is what God has called me to do. Will I be a stay-at-home-mom forever? I don't know. I have to trust in Him to show me the way. As a bit of a control-freak, I can't say that letting go like this is easy :)

I am so thankful that I was able to attend each and every service so that God could speak to me. If you know anything about the life we lead, then you know that my husband works every other weekend. Typically on the weekends that he works, I don't go to church because, let's face it; trying to get a 4 year old and almost 2 year old out the door is quite a challenge.  But... I went to every service, even when he was working. It's very clear why I was there. 

I hope that my gut-spill was helpful to you in some way :) I don't really know who reads this blog and who this may reach, but I'm so happy to just get this out of my system. 

I pray that each and every one of you will find your purpose within God's will for your life!!

Happy Tuesday,