Motherhood from my heart: It's Hard.

If there is one thing I have learned from blogging, it's that folks don't really love to read my not-so-happy thoughts and musings.  I have always been the first to admit that I don't live in a land of rainbows and unicorns. It's just not life. I struggle too.  

In this moment in time, I have to admit. Motherhood is hard.

I'm in a place where I am so very lucky to be able to stay home with my children. Is it easy? Absolutely not. It is THE hardest thing I have ever done.  Every day, I try to stay optimistic and thankful for my life and the opportunity that I've been given to be here. It is a gift and I try very hard to never lose sight of that. 

But then there are days like today. When all thanks and recognition go out the window.  I raise my voice and become so frustrated with my "circumstances" that I lose my cool.  This morning, my mom wanted to go to Target. Perfect! An opportunity for us to get out of the house and do something that makes ME feel productive. In the first 5 minutes, Harper and Hollin were fighting with each other, pulling clothes and having it out right there in the wallet section. Immediately, my defenses go up. I let them know in my under-my-breath-scary-mommy-voice that I mean business and they had better knock it off. The rest of the trip followed suit. The only way I could get Hollin to sit down was to give her an entire tube of old strawberry sparkle lip gloss that I don't want out of my purse. She pretty much ate it.  The lip gloss and snot dripping from her nose was a really great look. There comes a point in mommyhood where you would rather clean up a mess than deal with a tantrum. I have been there so many times I can't even tell you. 

Next was TJ Maxx. Hollin is still acting like she'd had 5 cups of coffee and Harper needed the bathroom. As soon as we emerge from the bathrooms, I can hear Hollin all the way across the store. I take a few moments to try to look for a dress and have finally heard enough of the screaming. She insisted on pushing the shopping cart but kept steering it into the clothes and having a meltdown. I walk by my mom, yank her out of the cart and we immediately head to the car. 

As mommies, you know this is where it gets real.  Once we are in the car, I proceeded to yell at her and tell her how frustrated I am that I can't go anywhere and do anything without this always being the end result. I yelled at my two and a half year old. The same two and a half year old that still doesn't sleep through the night. The same one that woke up 3 times last night for absolutely no reason. The same one that shows no interest at all in potty training and exhausts me like nothing has ever exhausted me before. 

I glance over at Harper and see his face. He has seen me like this before. He is quiet and knows that I need to get it out of my system. It was just a few short years ago, he was my two and a half year old. He threw tantrums and embarrassed me. I couldn't take him anywhere for the longest time. But now, he is a little boy. He has lost his baby face and some days he looks like he is 18 years old.  I can take him anywhere I want. He stays with me and follows my directions. He says, "I love you mommy, with all my heart" out of the blue sometimes. I remember a time when I thought he would never talk. Yet, here he is. Ready for Kindergarten. Smart as a whip.

I'm going to blink my eyes and they will both be 18 before I know it.  And I will never be able to take these words back. Or these moments, as tiring as they are. 

I will be on the other side of this one day.   I will have two children that I can take anywhere and do anything with. We will be able to go to lunch or dinner and I won't have to get up at night anymore. I will be rested. 

Until then, I'm going to savor these exhausting days. I will give myself grace in the moments when I've just had enough.

Psalm 86:15 But you, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abounding in steadfast love and faithfulness.