Mixed feelings.

It goes without saying that I am a planner. Maybe even a super planner. I wasn't always like this. I think when I met Jimmy, I was forced into it. This is because my husband is the polar opposite of a planner (although he's come a LOOOONG way.) If I didn't keep us on track, no one would.

I know I've talked about school a hundred times and I'm sure those around me are sick of hearing about it, but it makes me feel better to get my thoughts out there.

So here is my dilemma:

I'm taking my PSB on Friday. If you read back further in my blog, I explain the process of the PSB and how my scores determine whether I get into the Sonography Program. Part of me wants to get in and part of me doesn't. I have a back up plan if I don't. I'll get to that in a minute.

You see, if I get in, I will be going to school for 2 years straight. Summer semester and all. It will be full time with probably zero possibility of me working. Obviously, that poses a problem. Yes, I've been staying home with Harper for the past few months, but I've also been free childcare. If I go back to school full time while Jimmy is working full time (let's not forget that he is going back to school too), then we'd have to hire a sitter or put him in daycare. Without me working, I'm not sure how that would work out. It's expensive! At the same time, getting through the program would be A LOT less tuition out as opposed to plan B. The instructors also say that the salary for a sonographer on average is really great. Obviously that is a plus.

My plan B is going to Mt. Olive and finishing out my Bachelors Degree. They have a program that allows you to go one night a week for a year and a half and boom-you have your Bachelors. Obviously if I'm only going to school one night a week, then I can work full time. If I'm working full time and our house in Wilson has sold, then we can get out of this 2 bedroom 2 bath townhouse. It's super nice, but the walls are closing in on all of us. We have zero storage and are packed in here like sardines. Harper's toy collection is only growing and there is only so much clutter that I can handle. He, as well as my two dogs, NEED a yard to play in. He loves being outside and where we are, he only has a small concrete slab outside our back door that is reserved for my dogs to go and use as their bathroom. They have to go out a hundred times a day and I can't put them on a leash and take them to the grass every time.

Also, if I'm working full time, Jimmy and I can move forward with our "plans" to expand our family. I use quotes there because it is a very loose plan. We will have another baby when the time is right.

So there is why I say I have mixed feelings. Obviously, I know that these are all my plans and ultimately, it is in God's hands. I know this, I pray for it, but it's hard for me to let go of MY plans sometimes.

I don't think there is anything wrong with having a goal and working toward it. I do feel, however, that the last year of my life has been constant change, adaptation and always focusing on tomorrow, next month and next year. I feel like my life is disappearing right before my eyes. I really struggle with just living in the moment. I am trying so hard to work on that, but it's hard because I feel like I am on such a rigorous schedule. Every day runs into the next.

Please pray for me on Friday. Pray that God's plan be done for my life and the life of my family. I'll get my scores back about 4 days after the exam and I will let everyone know how it went.