Blogging and Crying in the Bathroom

I have really been out there with the titles lately, but that's kind of how I'm feeling these days. "Out there."

I have been looking forward to the Fall for awhile now because it is the beginning of routine and predictability for our family. If there is one thing that I feel like I need more of, it's predictability.

This past week has been tough.  Brain dump ahead..

Harper started Preschool on Wednesday and although this is his second year, I didn't take him on his first day. I know I could have (my boss is amazing and wouldn't have minded a bit), but since my mom will be taking him regularly, I felt it was best to lead off with that routine. Luckily, he was sent home with a "perfect day" note and that made me so happy :)  It was still tough knowing that I couldn't take him and then be there to spy on him through the glass before pick-up time. Time stops for no one and I just can't be as "present" this year.

Yesterday, my mom called me in a bit of a panic over Hollin.  She had a very messy diaper and ended up with horrible diaper rash.  This is nothing new because Harper had diaper rash so badly sometimes I wondered if he would bleed. This was Hollin's first experience with it and I felt so guilty that I wasn't there to comfort her this time around . I could hear her screaming while on the phone with my mom and it was torture.

This past week at work has been really, really stressful. By the time I feel like I've learned to do one thing confidently, something new gets thrown on my plate.  I'm still new enough at my job to want to hide behind a smile and not let on that I'm overwhelmed. I was working on closing a big loan yesterday and I felt that a lot of issues were being dumped on me so that if it fell through at the last minute, it was on me. That probably wasn't the intention, but that's how it felt.  My boss came into my office to speak with someone on speaker phone and I had to excuse myself before I lost it. I walked into the bathroom and just had a good cry. This is unfortunately what happens when I stay overwhelmed for days on end. It erupts at some point. He never knew though :)

I feel like Jimmy and I aren't seeing much of each other nor having much quality time to just chat or catch up. I guess this is typical for parents of young children. Throw in a Police Officer schedule, and a little boy that doesn't like to go to bed until after 10pm and we have about 45 minutes to ourselves before we crash for the night. He has been sick this week and feeling the physical stresses of his job. I want so badly for him to have a job that isn't so hard on him, but I'm not sure when that will happen.

Hollin still isn't sleeping through the night. She is 10 months old. Luckily with my mom here and under the same roof (for now) she has been really great about getting up with her. I am so lucky in that respect. I still wake up though and feel bad that my mom gets up too. We usually meet in the hallway. I never thought that her sleep habits would still be like this. I've tried everything I can think of to help her. I've tried putting her to bed later but she still wakes up. I make sure she is full before bed, but it doesn't make a difference. I'm not sure when she will ever predictably sleep through the night.

My little ol' blog has definitely suffered since I started working and I miss you guys. I miss the interaction and encouragement from my sweet readers. I miss the outlet that it gives me. Blogging has been hard for awhile now because of computer issues and we've all been too busy to take it to be looked at. I still can't upload pics from my camera. My "About Me" section isn't current and I think I just need an update!

I realize that none of these are major tragedies. Just lots of little things and a whole lotta mom guilt about some things that are just out of my control.

I haven't lost sight of how blessed I am. I have a great job with a great boss. My husband sent me beautiful flowers at work today to help cheer me up over my bad week. Harper is doing really well in school and gets excited about going. Hollin is a sweet little baby and always makes me smile.

                                                                 (First time at Panera!)

 I have to admit that I've done a lot better this week with cooking and being prepared for dinner. I went through the trouble of organizing my fridge to help me get inspired this past week and I think it helped. Silly, I know.

Thanks for sticking with me. I hope that I can get my computer all fixed up and start sharing a little more.

Until next time,